When Fall Feels Complicated: Chosen Family, Boundaries, and LGBTQ+ Mental Health in Northern Virginia

I love fall. I love the weather changing, the first few cold mornings, football being back on, and having an excuse to make everything feel a little more cozy. But fall also tends to be the time of year when family starts coming up a lot more in therapy.

The holidays are getting closer. People start making plans. Someone asks where you are going for Thanksgiving. Families start talking about who is coming home. And for a lot of LGBTQ+ people, that can bring up way more than deciding who is making dinner.

Sometimes the question is not just, “Do I want to go home?” It is, “How much of myself can I actually be when I am there?”

When Going Home Feels Complicated

You might be completely yourself in your everyday life and then notice that something changes when you are around family. Maybe you talk less about your relationship. Maybe you dress differently. Maybe you avoid correcting someone when they use the wrong pronouns because you just do not have the energy. Maybe you already know which topics you are going to avoid before you even walk through the door.

Sometimes there is obvious conflict. Other times, nobody is doing anything that feels “bad enough” to complain about, but you still leave feeling exhausted.

That matters too.

There is a lot of research around what psychologists call minority stress, which basically describes the extra stress that can come from anticipating rejection, experiencing discrimination, or feeling like parts of yourself need to be hidden in certain environments. The American Psychological Association has written extensively about the impact that stigma and discrimination can have on LGBTQ+ mental health.

For me, one of the most important parts of LGBTQ+ affirming therapy is recognizing that not every difficult feeling needs to be turned into a diagnosis. Sometimes you are anxious because you are walking into a situation where you genuinely do not know whether you will be accepted.

Chosen Family Counts

One of my favorite things about queer communities is the way we think about family.

Family can absolutely be the people you grew up with. It can also be your partner, your best friend, your old roommate, your neighbor, or the group of people who somehow end up at the same apartment every Thanksgiving.

Chosen family is still family.

This time of year can be a good opportunity to pay attention to the people around whom you actually feel like yourself. Who makes you feel calmer? Who can you tell the whole story to? Who can sit next to you at dinner and give you that look when somebody says something ridiculous?

Those relationships matter.

Boundaries Do Not Have to Be Dramatic

I also think we have made the word “boundaries” way more complicated than it needs to be.

A boundary does not always mean cutting someone off or having a huge confrontation. Sometimes it means staying at a hotel instead of at your parents’ house. Sometimes it means leaving dinner at 8 instead of midnight. Sometimes it means deciding that you are not going to debate your identity with Uncle Whoever this year.

And sometimes it means letting another person be disappointed with you.

That last one can be really hard, especially if you are someone who has spent a lot of your life people pleasing, keeping the peace, or trying to make sure everyone around you is comfortable.

A lot of the work I do with clients around boundaries is not actually teaching them that they are “allowed” to have one. Most people already know that intellectually. The hard part is dealing with the guilt, anxiety, or fear that shows up after you set it.

Our therapists at Fairfax Therapy Group work with clients throughout Northern Virginia who struggle with anxiety, people pleasing, relationship stress, identity concerns, and family dynamics. We also have LGBTQ+ affirming therapists who understand that identity and family relationships can get complicated in ways that are difficult to explain to someone who has never had to think about them.

Fall Can Affect Your Mood Too

There is also something else happening this time of year that is much less symbolic: it gets dark really early.

For some people, the shorter days bring a noticeable change in mood, energy, sleep, or motivation. The National Institute of Mental Health has helpful information about seasonal affective disorder and how seasonal changes can impact depression.

Not every bad week in October is seasonal depression, of course. Sometimes work is stressful. Sometimes family stuff is coming up. Sometimes you are adjusting to the fact that it is dark before dinner and you have suddenly lost all motivation to leave your house.

Usually, life is messier than one explanation.

But if you notice that you consistently feel more depressed, isolated, tired, or disconnected as the seasons change, it is worth paying attention to.

Relationships Can Get Weird Around the Holidays Too

Fall and the holidays can also bring up a lot for couples.

Who are we visiting? Whose family gets Thanksgiving? Are we staying together? Does your family actually treat me like your partner? What happens if someone says something inappropriate? Are we supposed to spend the entire weekend with your parents?

Those questions can get especially complicated for LGBTQ+ couples.

Sometimes the argument that looks like it is about Thanksgiving dinner is actually about whether one partner feels protected, prioritized, or accepted.

At Fairfax Therapy Group, our couples therapists help partners slow those conversations down and figure out what is happening underneath the argument. The goal is not to make couples agree on everything. It is to help them understand each other well enough that they can approach difficult situations as a team.

You Get to Decide What You Keep

One thing I like about fall is that it already feels like a transition.

Things change. Routines change. The trees literally start dropping things they do not need anymore.

I am not going to turn that into some giant therapy metaphor, but there is something useful about asking yourself what you actually want to carry into the next season.

Maybe there are traditions you love and want to keep. Maybe there are traditions you only participate in because you feel guilty. Maybe this is the year you spend Thanksgiving with friends. Maybe you bring your partner home. Maybe you decide not to go home at all.

There is not one correct way to be LGBTQ+. There is not one correct way to have a family, build a relationship, or celebrate a holiday.

What matters is creating more places in your life where you do not feel like you have to shrink yourself in order to belong.

Fairfax Therapy Group provides LGBTQ+ affirming therapy for adults, couples, children, and teens in Tysons and throughout Northern Virginia, with telehealth available across Virginia. If fall is bringing up anxiety, family stress, identity concerns, relationship problems, or just a lot more feelings than you expected, you can learn more about our therapists here.